I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
