i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
