you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
