i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
