Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
