And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
