she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
