some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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