I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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