I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
