This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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