I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
