We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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