FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
