You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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