if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize