He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
