I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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