All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
