PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
