You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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