the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
