I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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