I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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