New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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