im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
