Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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