Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
