I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
