I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
