if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize