I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
