My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize