She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
