I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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