she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
