If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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