i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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