And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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