My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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