I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
