It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
