ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
