we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
