I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
