Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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