You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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