You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
