i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
