Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
