toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
