Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you would pick up someone in the library
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
