I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So I just went to clothing optional bar
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
