hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
