the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize