From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
sarcasm needs its own font
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
