So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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